Shamik Das


Saturday, May 30, 2009

Tune in tonight on ITV, 6:45pm, for the grand final of

"Oink oink oink oink oink oink oink!!!"

AFTER three weeks of allegations of flipping, double-dipping and moat cleaning, tonight, at long last, the final of the reality show that's gripped the nation.

With the Telegraph's treasure trove of revelations, like all good things, seemingly coming to an end having held the public in thrall for the past 23 days, the time is nigh to pronounce the greediest, evilest piggy of them all in the eagerly anticipated final of Britain's Got Troughers.

Of the 646 MPs who entered the auditions way back when, we've whittled the list down to the final 14. You'll notice many star names are missing, many odious individuals who've submitted dodgy claims. Rest assured, their time will come, and we won't have to wait much longer than June next year, when the voters have their say, but for now, this un-super 14 will have to do.

The felonious fourteen who've made it through are, in order of depravity, Margaret Moran, Michael Martin, Julie Kirkbride, Andrew MacKay, Anthony Steen, Ann Winterton, Elliot Morley, Ben Chapman, Sir Nicholas Winterton, Sir Peter Viggers, Christopher Fraser, John Smith, Douglas Hogg and Ian McCartney.

Yes, they've all been forced to stand down from the Commons, but that, surely, isn't enough; tonight they'll be fighting for their miserable lives, battling to avoid being the last pig stying and the hangman's noose that goes with it.

Judging will be the three main party leaders, Labour leader Gordon Brown, Lib Dem lothario Nick Clegg and Tory tosser toff David Cameron, fingers on buzzers, ready to end the career existence of one of their former colleagues in the ultimate reality TV show.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil: Gordon "Piers Muppet" Brown, Nick "Amanda Hoe" Clegg, David "Simon C***" Cameron

So what delights can the audience expect? Douglas Hogg riding a gondolier round his moat, Sir Peter Viggers doing a dance routine with his tropue of ducks, to the tune of "Five little ducks went out to play", Anthony Steen sitting on a pile of money taunting the plebs and serfs before him, sneering at their petty jealousy and Christopher Fraser hosting a one-man version of Gardeners Question Time.

On the Labour side, Micheal Martin doing his best Rab C Nesbitt drunk Glaswegian impression (no change there then), Messieurs Chapman and Morley in top hats à la Bradford & Bingley, offering mortgage advice, Ian McCartney demonstrating how to quaff the perfect flute of the finest champagne taxpayers' money can buy and John Smith doing whatever it is he does.

To the married couples we go, with Sir Nicholas and Ann Winterton telling distasteful jokes about Chinese cockle-pickers and the like, and Julie Kirkbride and Andrew MacKay as the League of Gentlemen's Tubbs and Edward Tattsyrup: "This is a family business for family only; there's nothing for yoooooooouuuuuuu here..."

But the winner, if there's any justice at all, must surely be Labour MP for Luton Southampton Margaret Moran, just about the most contemptible human being on the planet, who, to this day, still denies she's done anything wrong, and has still failed to appear before her constituents or the media.

Undoubtedly the most talentless of the lot, she does, however, possess one useful attribute: namely, a face just begging to be punched. The puce, chubby bouche that every taxpayer would just love to rearrange.

She could just sit there, atop the stage as audience members take it in turn to exact their revenge, and my, wouldn't that revenge be so sweet...

The Daily Telegraph: The Expenses Files
ITV: Britain's Got Talent

1 Comments:

Anonymous Cool dude said...

Eh what! Wow how witty.

06 June, 2009 20:44

 

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