High five!

ENGLAND made heavy weather of a beautiful autumnal evening before finally putting Kazakhstan to the sword at a packed-out Wembley last night.

Wayne Rooney, Rio ferdinand and Jermain Defoe took advantage of some woeful defending from the Kazakh back four to steer England to a flattering 5-1 win, though against better opposition they'd have been lucky to escape with a point.

Time and again the Kazakh wingers got in behind the England back-line, and but for some equally woeful finishing, they would have taken the lead - their attackers scarcely better than their defenders - with the exception of Zhambyl Kukeyev.

Kukeyev fired home the goal of the game midway through the second half, pouncing on an horrendous error from Ashley Cole to control the Chelsea full-back's wayward back pass, pick his spot and lash the ball past the hapless David James.

It was then that the game's biggest talking point ensued, with swathes of the Wembley crowd booing the errant defender. Every time he touched the ball the boos cascaded down from the terraces, to the feigned outrage of the broadcast media.

David Pleat, Clive Tyldesley, Graeme Le Saux, Sam Allardyce, Andy Townsend, Steve Ryder, Mike Ingham, Alan Green and Graham Taylor to a man condemned the fans, with Green calling them "morons".

Now I really admire Greenie for his no-nonsense approach, forthright views and ability to tell it like it is, but on this one he was completely wrong. He seems to have spent too much time in the Premiership bubble and appears to have forgotten what it's like to be an ordinary fan, having to fork out hard-earned money to watch matches.

    

Quite how anyone can defend the greedy, amoral little shit is beyond me. Cole is, without doubt, the most hated footballer in England. He and his scummy wife single-handedly sum up all that's wrong with the game, and all that's ill in society.

The fans who booed him were reflecting the views of the majority of England suppoters, in the only manner in which we are able to express our disgust at the antics of this pathetic little man.

Aside from the commentators, Cole's captain also leapt to his defence, expressing the view that the fans who beeod him ought to be ashamed of themselves.

No, Rio, the only ones who should be ashamed of their actions are Ashley and his missus, the talentless Geordie slapper Cheryl.

    

The best thing about Rio's interviews is that he comes across as not the brightest tool in the metaphorical box - though one of the sharpest in the 18-yard one. It's an endearing quality in this age of spin, and lends a human touch to the otherwise robotic answers most sportsmen give.

Another funny thing about Rio is that he sounds rather like Bernard Bresslaw, of Carry On fame, and also one of stars of the Ealing comedies, Danny Green, who played One Round in The Ladykillers.

Imagine the scene at England training: the players are being put through their paces, Stuart Pearce and Franco Baldini barking orders at them, when suddenly Fabio Capello notices a cat stuck up a tree.

Fabio: "Mamma mia! Eee's a leetle keeten schtuck up the treeee. Signor Ferdeenand, you're the tallest; do you think you could try to get him down for us?"

Rio: "Sure, I'll get 'im!"

• Carry on Cowboy
• The Ladykillers