"Bollards!"

SMILE! You've just become a statistic.

Welcome to the real world Dave, where scummy men go round nicking people's bikes. And phones. And hubcaps.

Just this morning I woke to find some prick had made off with my car aerial. From right outside my house. The cheek of it.

Mr Cameron, we finally have something in common...



What a video! Notice also the fat balding man in the doorway behind Cameron - he has no face. He is either a refugee from Dr Who or a Borg.

As for the chavs who made off with DC's pride and joy, well, I wonder if he'll be hugging those hoodies!!!

• March 2008: Cameron apologises for dangerous cycling
• April 2006: "Hypocrisy" gibe over DC's cycle-mania